The director of telemarketing rapped on the white greaseboard.
“OK. Can I have your attention, please? Please, stay off the phones. Please! You know, when I say get off the phones, it is because I have some very important information that I need to give you. You don’t just continue to talk. You can call your lover after the shift. I wait to call Takahashi, because he knows I am working. Your job is to sell subscriptions to the Arena Theatre. Not to find out if your lover wants you to pick up some milk. Do that on your own time.
First off, I have some FYI stuff. “Cabaret” with Brooke Shields is currently going out on the road. This has just been announced to the press. It is confirmed. Now, that brings me to a very important point. Some of you callers are telling customers unconfirmed rumors as if they are fact. For example, somebody in this room is saying that Christine Baranski is definitely going to be in “The Man Who Came to Dinner”. This is unconfirmed! Unconfirmed! Why do you say it? Why? I got two calls today from some angry Lesbos saying that someone is telling them that Christine Baranski is going to be in “The Man Who Came to Dinner”. Now I know from my market research that one call equals fifty people. In other words, one hundred people now think this to be true. So this is a big big major problemo! If I walk by and hear somebody saying that Christine Baranski is going to be in “Man who Came to Dinner”. I will hang up your phone on you right there! Hang it up!
Now we are going to talk about sales. That is to say, lack of sales. This is pathetic. You know my very easily attainable quota for subscription sales in this room is fifteen sales a week. Which is nothing. If you can’t get fifteen sales a week with the great package that we have, then you shouldn’t be working here. You should bow out gracefully and spare me the embarrassment of having to fire you first. It won’t mean that you are a bad person. It will just mean that you are not cut out for this line of work. We will say goodbye and good luck, and you can go get a job at TicketMaster taking orders and making seven dollars an hour. I’m sure they’d be glad to have you.
Fifteen sales a week. Fifteen. One five. That’s three a night. That’s less than one an hour. Henry here does that in one night! God knows what he does in his spare time, but when he is here he sells. He makes it work for him. I think I know what the problem is, and your lack of response when I was trying to get your attention at the beginning of the shift just a little while back was a good indicator. Lack of focus. This is not an eight hour job. This is a four hour job. We do not wind down here. We wind up. We work from 5 PM to 9 PM. The last hour is the best hour for sales. I have told you this a million times. So, thusly, when I see callers at 8:45 rifling through your bags, going to the bathroom for Godsakes, it baffles me to no end. Why would you do this? You’re shitting on yourself, and, worse, you’re shitting on me!
You have a great package to sell. You have a great great package to sell. “The four play classic sampler”. That’s a term which I made up to help you, and you’re not even using it. I am the boss and I am very smart and you need to listen to me. “Four play classic sampler”. A comedy, a drama, a classic and a musical. The package is unbelievable. My God. These people think that they are going to get “1776” at the box office? No. No. No thank you, Jose. If they say, “I’m going to get ‘1776’ at the box office”, what do you say? You say, “Well you can take your chances, Mrs. Jones, but it’s very, very unlikely. Now, how many subscriptions did you want?” And that’s what you do, you assume the sale. You don’t say, “Is that okay?” or “Do you think maybe perhaps you might want to buy this?” NO! That is so weak. It makes me cringe. I walk by your desks and you sound so meek, like little baby lambs. You need to be aggressive, powerful, like warriors. You say, “How many subscriptions do you want? Four? Great. That’s four subscriptions at $150 each for a total of $600. Now, did you want to put that on your Visa, Mastercard or American Express?” Then you take the numbers down, and then you REPEAT the numbers! You go, “OK, 4344 5647 9899 0352, expiration?” Then you say, Let me see if I have that right, Mrs. Jones, that was, “4344 5647 9899 0352. Great. Have a great season.” I’m tired of the cards coming back as invalid because YOU didn’t repeat the numbers. I am not a secretary here to correct your mistakes. I am not a secretary.
You see, the thing about sales, is that they’re like life. If you can’t go for what you want, you will never amount to anything. I was a performer like you. And, yes, the rumors are true. I toured “The Music Man” with George Wendt. But, I decided that I wanted to make money. Settle down with my husband, Takahashi. And, so, I got into fund-raising. My first night I got a thirty – five hundred dollar contribution. And I never looked back.
One more thing: the coffee area is a disaster. We are not your maids. I am not a maid. I am very busy, Pierre is very busy. We are not going to clean up after you. Please, have some decency. If this problem is not rectified, we are going to take away coffee privileges and that will be that.
Now, get on the phones and SELL! Thank you.”
The meeting was over.
