Oscar Clip - Golden Blazers (Glazer + Engel)

INT./EXT. MALONEY'S HOUSE

MALONEY 

That woman is driving me insane.  Now I remember why I spent so many hours on the job.

STU

Oh, it can't be that bad...

MALONEY

Listen to me, Stu.  I'm bored out of my mind.  Retiring was the worst mistake of my life.  Forget my heart condition.  Maybe they'll take me back, what do you think?

STU

Come on, Howard.  It's only been a few months.  Maybe you'll get used to it.  Besides, the business is changing, like you always said.

MALONEY

Now it's all about making a quick buck.  It used to be about relationships.  First house I ever sold.  The Clarkson family.  I still get their Christmas cards.

STU

You build your business on your reputation, you taught me that.

MALONEY

I don't understand all this new-fangled fiddle-faddle.  Online listings, virtual tours...  

STU

I know, everyone thinks they're an expert nowadays.  Guys like us are a couple of dinosaurs.

MALONEY

I want to show you something.  Hang on a sec.

He brings out an old framed photograph of them.

STU

Look at those kids. 

Maloney goes to the closet, old suits in plastic, etc.  Takes out his New Millenium Realty GOLDEN BLAZER on a hanger.

MALONEY 

Ah, here it is.  My old golden blazer.

He puts it on.  Tries to button it.  It barely conceals his pot belly.  Sucks in his breath.

MALONEY (CONT'D)

It still fits.

STU

You look good.

(beat)

Hey, Howard.  Let me ask you something.  All those years we were pounding the pavement, you ever do something you regret?

MALONEY

What do you mean?

STU

Did you ever make a deal you didn't feel completely confident about.  You know... cut a corner?

MALONEY

Absolutely not.

STU

Me neither.  I was just curious.

MALONEY

We took an oath. The day we put on these golden blazers.  To always treat the client with honesty, respect, and fairness.

STU

That's very nice.

MALONEY

That's why it said on my business cards: "There's No Baloney With Maloney". 

He pulls out a card, hands it to Stu.

STU

You still carry around your cards, huh?

MALONEY

I do. To remind me: At the end of the day, all a man has is his word.

(beat)

So what was it that you wanted to talk to me about?

STU 

Oh....  I just wanted to hear that story again.  About the time you sold that duplex to the couple from Fresno.

MALONEY

Oh, that was magic...

a scene from Tara and the Gooch (Glazer + Engel)

INT. GEOFFREY'S RESTAURANT - EVENING

The set of the hit cable television show "Best Cook". A row of five COOKS are lined up in matching white jackets. The one whose jacket reads Phineas is actually The Gooch. 

Various CREW MEMBERS do jobs in the background, rigging  lights, checking sound levels, etc. 

The STAGE MANAGER calls out the countdown. 

 

CUT TO: 

Chef Geoffrey, and his co-host, the gorgeous LADMA PAKSHI. 

Gooch can see them from behind from his angle, and it is 

quite clear that Geoffrey's hand is on Ladma's ass. 

Gooch scans the audience, Tara sits in one of the first few rows. 

LADMA PAKSHI 

For our last challenge, your 

assignment was to make a dish 

starting with each letter of the 

alphabet. 

CHEF GEOFFREY 

Indeed. And tonight, one of you 

will win the challenge, and one of 

you will be asked to bundle up his 

forks and say Tally Ho. 

LADMA PAKSHI 

Leslie... 

Camera goes to a tough looking FEMALE COOK. 

LADMA PAKSHI (CONT'D) 

You were ok from "A" through "D". 

We particularly liked your Devils 

Food cake. 

CHEF GEOFFREY 

That was spot on. Well done. 

However, we had a big problem with 

the endive in dillweed vinagriette. 

LADMA PAKSHI 

I felt like I was eating bunny 

rabbit food. 

CHEF GEOFFREY 

Right, yes. Off of the cage floor. 

LADMA PAKSHI 

But even worse, was..... 

CHEF GEOFFREY 

Phineas. What were you thinking? 

A beat. 

CHEF GEOFFREY (CONT'D) 

Answer me, you donkey! You whale! 

Gooch remembers that he is Phineas. 

GOOCH 

You talking to me, Brosenberg? 

CHEF GEOFFREY 

I am addressing you, knave, and you 

are to address me as Chef Geoffrey. 

GOOCH 

Oh right, yeah. Chef Jeff. 

The crowd chuckles a bit. A startled Tara begins to realize 

what is going on - that Phineas is  the Gooch. 

LADMA PAKSHI 

You were fine until we got to M. 

And then your take on Marsala... 

Clearly you are not Italian. 

GOOCH 

Woah... hold on a second! 

CHEF GEOFFREY 

You do not speak in my kitchen 

until further notice. 

GOOCH 

Fuck you. You're a douche and a 

crap cook to boot. 

A hush falls over the crowd. 

GOOCH (CONT'D) 

You stole all your recipes from 

David Bournais. Every chef in 

America knows that. 

LADMA PAKSHI 

Security! 

Lights go up, general hubub. 

CHEF GEOFFREY 

Out. Get him out! You, Goochman, 

are a bloody wanker! 

LADMA PAKSHI 

Can we edit out the last part? Or 

even that whole segment?